Love Can't Be Kind

It seemed to take over my bones and my heart,
That feeling of passion, that love from the start,
My nerves were on fire, my skin felt skin tight,
My eyelids closed slowly as my soul took flight.

Your fingers traced circles, over my hands,
A screaming I thought, my brain couldn't stand,
As light as a feather but heavier than weights,
I gave you my heart and trusted our fate.

You played me a love song while banging on keys,
A lullaby you whispered, as I fell asleep,
Your lips brushed my hairline and lingered on my neck,
A memory I could never begin to forget.

Chasing the sunset, watching the moon,
Knowing our time would surely end soon,
We wished for forever, for eternity to come,
Forgetting reality would soon end our fun.

Now you're alone, as I am too,
Clinging to memory, nursing our wounds,
Wanting so badly to just turn back time,
But darling, remember, love can't be kind.

Little Room

I'll build a room on the corner of this earth, where I can lose myself in absolutely nothing at all, just the air and the colours of purity that exist inside the feelings of serenity.

I won't have to feel love or hate, as I'll be looking at the world from the outside in.
This room will be my safety blanket, my guarantee to calm.
I will find myself here, and my soul will recreate itself anew.
Scarlet blood will turn cherry red, and these grey eyes of mine will soften, and go back to being a light, baby blue.
Just thinking about it, makes me feel better already. At least now I have enough strength to face another day, of the exact opposite.
Oh society, judgement, lies twisted with fear. All plastered together will a fake smile, and willpower to believe in fairtytales.
In this room, this warm place in my heart, I am living in my very own world, and seeing it with a new set of eyes, believing in non-existant things that shine just below the window pane.
I don't want to leave, as I'll lose my head out there.
That harsh, unforgiving world.
Where we grew up.
Where we live.
Maybe there are more little rooms like mine, in the back of other's heads.
Maybe they're like me, and I just haven't met them yet.
Maybe I never will.
I close my eyes and fall back into my corner of my bliss. Let me be, oh,
Please let me be.

Easier

It's easier to write a love song about a passion that doesn't exist, rather than to have to rely on the real thing.

Twilight Around Our Hearts

We're left not in the dark, not in the light, but more to stumble through life in this dull enclosing twilight around our hearts.
We're meant to live, we're meant to laugh, but so often we can never tell the difference between the two.
People surround us, going on with their lives and dealing with their problems and decisions. They are like us.
Blinded by the shining luminescent lights of reality.
We run in circles, planning our futures, but we seem to crash into brick walls and walk through mine fields along the way.
We wish for crystal clear vision, for knowledge, but in all truth at the end of the day, we don't know how to make decisions. We don't know how to plan our lives the right way.
So we take shortcuts. We make mistakes and get carried away in the wrong direction. We wish we could turn back the time and start over.
And through all this madness of everyday life, we look in between the lines and between the stars, for that natrual high. That great feeling of power, of passion.
Of love.
We trust ourselves that no matter what else goes on, we will find time to find love. We will let our souls free and keep our hearts in eyes, and see everything around us tinted pink.
We will sacrafice all we have, and all it takes, to simply feel.
To let go of routine, of schedules and time, just to lose ourselves in the beating of anothers heart.
Once we find what we are destined to feel, nothing needs to make sense. We can close our eyes and listen.
We can distance ourselves and see. We can be who ever we want to be.
We are all human at the end of the day, searching for the same things.
Aiming at the same targets, running in the same lane.
We are one. We are the world.
Love is what keeps us from destroying it from the inside out.
Love is what keeps us in tact.
Love is what gives us life.
Life, is simply love.

Parents And Previous Generations

They raised us, yet they judge us.
They let us talk, but pass on our secrets.
They want us around, but then want us gone.
They make us stay quiet, then wonder why we're shy.
They indulge us, yet won't let us spend our savings.
They make mistakes, then criticise when we are not perfect.
They assume that behavior is just a phase, then wonder what caused it in the first place.
They think of our moods as typical, when theres so much more behind it.
They look at us as children, when half the time we're more mature than they'd ever be.

Parents and children are good for a while.
Until the other realises where the strength between the two lies.

Song Parts

Parts of songs I'm writing:


Get these images out of my head
I'll close my eyes, do anything
To go stare at a blank wall and feel nothing


Take my hand and walk with me
Don't make me go alone, you'll see
How everything before me is just crashing


You, are awakening
Though your heart is slowly breaking
In to two, and you're stuck with those who love you
Now you're caught up in this mess
This web inside your head
You don't know what to do
You don't know how to choose.


---------------------------------


Second song:


Darkness comes in waves of pain
Heartbreak happens everyday
Close your eyes and look around you
See the stars shining above you
Notice how they haven't faded away.


Summer passes quickly through blue skies
Come here, let me dry your eyes
Who are you to tell me how to live my life
Do you even know how to smile and make things right?

---------------------------------------


Third song:


My feet are cracked
My lips are dry
From walking through the heat
I can't look back
I can't see why
You no longer need me
The rain is falling
My tears of pouring
Down the side of my cheek
You left me alone
All by myself
To rot and grow this weak

Yesterday

Sometimes you suddenly catch yourself wondering about the past. Subcontiously comparing it to your present. Debating weather it's really changed. Sometimes you wish to go back to yesterday, even just for a moment, where things were less complicated and somehow still made sense. From time to time you miss the comfort, the painless journey from one day to the next. Now it's so different, now it's messy and a mission within itself, an impossible task that must silently be completed.

Love, Don't Ever Leave Us

And then when all seemed lost, our bodies morphed together as one, and out hearts composed a symphony between our blazing chests and fast moving lips. Our hands crawled slowly, fingernails raking over our necks as we lay in the wreck and havok. The sunlight peeked through the heavily sewn curtains above our heads, and the room was lit up, slightly pink and buttery. With love intertwined with passion, we held each other still as our lips found their other half, our breathing ragged and uneven with excitement.
For a moment, all was still, and nothing needed to make sense. All the worlds problems and conflicts dissolved around us, as you put your lips to my ear, and whispered "I love you". Like a lullaby, like poetry, like perfection, I lay. Running my fingers through the locks of your hair, and tracing your cheekbones with the back of my thumb, I whispered back "I love you too".
The sun set after hours of warming our backs through the window. We could hear blackbirds singing, and the quiet flap of a hummingbirds wings.
We wished for this always, this feeling of love, and wonder. This feeling thats burning us up from the inside, but making us feel alive. I wish it didn't have to go away, that it didn't have to fade. That it could stay forever, reminding us who we are, and what we're prepared to give.
Love, don't ever leave us.

Gone

I love how I just don't think about you anymore.
You barely even cross my mind.

It's so much easier that way.

Fine Line

It's so strange seeing the fine line that separates what things once were, and what things are now. It's like that past, everything before the line, is in black and white. Those imagines of you catching me as I ran to you after so long, your warm embrace and that smell of your cologne, are suddenly now slightly blurred, in black and white, like an old 1950's movie. The ones we call classic, when at the time simply seemed a part of everyday life. In black and white, I see what we once were. The love that we once shared. And now, in neon blinding lights, my reality is being shown to me. This strange, unfamiliar reality that I must now get used to and somehow understand. The light is so blinding, so bright. It's hurting my eyes and burning up the last slivers of my heart and soul. How do I deal with this? The fine line is like a blade, hurting me, slowly ripping through my skin. Making me cry out in pain and making me feel weak. All I can see is the bloodshed, the emotion spilling out, threatening to destroy me completely.

Perfect Things

The only perfect things in life are classical music, roses and the rain.

I Wonder

I wonder if you've forgotten
I wonder if you think of me
I wonder if it's different
I wonder if you feel hollow like me
I wonder.

I wonder if I can forget too
I wonder if I'll stop thinking about you
I wonder if it'll change
I wonder if the hollow feeling will dissapear
I wonder.

I wonder if you miss love
I wonder if you even recognise it anymore
I wonder if you're hurting
I wonder if you're wounded
I wonder.

I wonder if I'll miss love
I wonder if I'll learn to recognise it
I wonder when I'll stop hurting
I wonder when my wounds will heal
I wonder.

I wonder if thats all we have
I wonder if thats all we'll get
I wonder if love will strike again
I wonder if we'll notice
I wonder,
I wonder.

Love Shall Never Die

Just move on, he's not worth your tears,
Don't cry yourself to sleep, get over your fears,
Sing yourself a lullaby, under the many stars,
Just let it go, forget it all, don't hold it in your heart.

Don't let him win, leaving you to drown,
Perk up a bit, no need to see you frown,
Walk away for now, don't wear your heart on your sleeve,
It'll all work out, just take a moment to breathe.

The clouds means nothing, if you learn to love the rain,
They'll wash away your heartache, your innocence, your pain,
Nothing is real, under the bright burning sun,
Turn yourself towards the place where new love has begun.

Hold yourself together, don't you dare fall apart,
Nothing is forever, to know, you must be smart,
Pain is just a proccess, growing weaker over time,
If it's all too much to handle, then stop, close your eyes.

At the end of it all, you'll find yourself again,
Your heart will be stronger, you'll know what's what and when,
You'll be laughing and smiling, with that spark in your eye,
Not everything lasts forever, but love shall never die.

Tears Of Truth

You lied
About love
You lied
About loving me.
You cried
Tears of truth
I believed them
I believed you.
You wrote once
A love letter
With promises
Mixed with twisted pain.
Slowly your fingers
Moved over black and white keys
A song you sang
That felt real to me.
You then gave up
You then gave in
Leaving me behind alone
With nothing but truth.
Now you are nothing
Someone I can't stand
To never be mentioned
In the back of my head
So run along now
To your other love believer
Break her heart and soul
Then we'll be even.

All We've Got

Sometimes nothing is all we've got. And we're expected to do something with that nothing. We're expected to turn it into something different and somehow valuable, to turn it into a lesson of sorts. We're expected to succeed, and finish the assignment given in these unwritten rules.
But what if you can't? What if that nothing is just darkness? Or a disregarded paper that was thrown our from the day before? What if we can't do anything with that nothing?
What if it breaks us, and slowly turtures us from the inside?
Till not a trace of life is left inside you.
It'll take everything.
Steal your heart, steal your soul.

I hate this.
This feeling, this empty, black, nothingness feeling. It's creeping from every direction, making me clench my fists. Making me shriek in silence, lie in fear. It's so terrible feeling this hollow. Like pieces of me were given away for good. I want those pieces of myself back. Please, just give them back to me. Let me at least, somehow feel less broken. Not whole, but nothing crushed. I just feel crushed.
And I hate it so much.

Parallel Lines

We're parallel lines,
Wanting the same thing,
Yet something different.
Heading in the same direction,
But never closing the gap between.
Never meeting common ground.
Never seeing the same ending, the same conclusion.
Always looking at reality through different eyes.
We're parallel lines,
Trying to find each other through the darkness,
Too bright to see in the light.
We're two trains, with nothing but space between us,
But too much to cross.
The distance too far to close.
I'm shattered, and you are whole.
I am many, and you are one.
You are everything, I am now nothing.
Nothing of my soul is left in tact.
We're falling through a black hole,
But going nowhere.
You're soaring through the dark gravity, enjoying the ride,
And almost make shift fear.
I'm hurtling through at terrifying speeds,
Wishing that I could just wake up.
We're no match for this,
No match at all.
We're parallel lines.
Never closing the gap between.

Love Is Like

When love takes over, it numbs your whole being. You cannot utter a word of common sense, or have an inkling of understanding of reality. When love takes over, it completely sweeps you off your feet, and it turns you into someone almost unrecognisable, someone always high on nothing but feelings of joy alone.
Love can be toxic, blinding, dangeriously beautiful, and sometimes fleetingly quick. It can be the thing that defines who you are, for the good and for the bad. Better or for worse.
Love is like some strange intoxicating drug, that the heart seems to crave alone with passion. Craving words that we think of and dream of, skin that our fingertips so often seek, and lips that our lips are destined to find.
Love creates a hurricane, and throws you around from side to side, like a swing going back and forth in the late Saturday afternoons of summer.
Love makes you see things that aren't there to the naked eye, sometimes something that others can't see.
Love creates excitement, pain and dissapointment, and makes your heart feel like it's practically on fire.
It's like a lazy summer breeze, that rolls around your shoulders and gently touches your eyelids, making you sigh and know, somehow, that everything will be alright.
It makes you feel light and heavy both at once.
It makes you somehow, feel whole.

Watch Me Drown

I wish that we could control the dreams we dream at night.
I wish I could turn away from the nightmares, or choose which story will play inside my head.
I wish there was a way to block out the different realities that seem to build themselves up inside of us, the ones that have a tendency to completely destroy and shatter us.
It's like being thrown into a murky, black lake, with the small waves pulling you in different directions, being without you.
I feel that I must hate you so much, and wish you nothing but misery.
But when I wake up now and again, and realise that in my dreams you got me back, and kissed me ever so gently on the corner of my mouth, then what do I do?
Do I hate you more? For making me compare reality to my dreams? Or do I imagine the you inside my head, as better, the one to make it all alright?
Now I'm left to dwell on these nightmares and realities, all the while comparing between the two.
I think that the worst part about all of this is that you don't see me.
You don't see me now with these still healing cuts and bruises all over my very being.
You don't see my heart, trying to fit the pieces together, the pieces of itself.
You won't ever see it, any of this.
Because you're gone.
You won't come to save me, or pull me out of the darkness.
You'll just stand on the side, watching me drown.

Dreams Or Nightmares?

I just feel so angry and burned up inside. Because I want to talk to you, and hear the reassurance in your voice, telling me that everything will be okay. I want so badly to let you into my mind, and show your all this pain. And I can't understand why, because you're the one creating it.
Because of you, I need reassurance, but because of you, now there is nothing and I am alone.
I'm circling through this darkness, wondering where and when to turn. I'm lying on the ground, feeling naked and cold, and just so confused. I keep telling myself that this is just some sick nightmare, some twisted painful dream. I keep waiting for that moment when I'll wake up. I'll see sunlight streaming in through my window, and there you'll be. My heart still safe with you, beating securely in your chest.
And I'll turn to you, to tell you about these strange dreams, and turn to your warm embrace for warmth and understanding.
It has to be a dream, I'll tell myself. It had to be a dream.
But then, I'll really wake up, to the thunder and cold droplets of rain outisde my window, and I'll be alone.
You won't be there. To hold me. Comfort me. Love me.
I'll be lying there in the dark beneath my sheets, realisation slowly becoming clearer.
And I'll see that you really are gone.
You've left me, this, everything, and you've taken my heart, the heart that you promised to care for, with you.
Forever gone.
Where light just fades to grey.
Gone.

Broken Butterfly Wings

Imagine these are butterfly's wings. Fragile and delicate, soft and oh so gentle.
Imagine that I am your butterfly, and your job for so long has been to hold me, protect me with the palms of your hands, not letting me go.
Just think what would happen if you suddenly slipped.
Either you'd let me go, and I'd fly away.
Or you'd fall on me with all of your weight, crushing me. Destroying my wings and all the patterns in them.
Imagine my poor, minute heart, breaking in half. Then into uneven little pieces, smaller than the smallest grains of sand.
You'd probably walk away, unscathed. Maybe a few cuts and bruises here and there, but otherwise still in one piece.
You would probably take one look at the remains of me, at my crushed wings, and not bother saving me.
You'd give up trying, realising that nothing can be done to put me back together again.
Wouldn't that make you feel like a murderer? A killer?
Wouldn't you double over from guilt and from grief?
Thats all I can think would happen. All I can imagine.
I wish that I didn't have to be this butterfly, with these two now broken wings. I wish you didn't have to be the one to walk away.
I trusted you to protect me, and protect my heart, and just like that, the trust and everything around me is broken.
Now I'm just swimming around in this thick pool of nothing, searching for light, for a way out.
But the walls are closing in, choking whats left of my lungs.
Sucking up all the remains of my soul.
And soon, so soon, I'll be nothing at all.
And you'll still be there in the distance, walking away from the mess you left behind.

Just Like That

Imagine your mind working in overdrive at this very second. Imagine all the thoughts moving around, the realisations and understandings coming through. Imagine your heart as a hummingbird's wings. 1000 beats per second.

Badoom. Badoom. Badoom.
Now, imagine they both stop. Just like that. Stopped. Imagine the silence. Lonely, isn't it? Painful, maybe?
Imagine this being your whole life. Crazy one minute, then deadly quiet the next.
This is now who I am. This is now my life. It doesn't seem possible, simply because what feels like a minute, a second ago, everything was fine. Everything seemed good. Ano now, it's destroyed. Completely wrecked, from the inside out, and I can't handle it.
Imagine a blazing fire, eating up everything in it's path. Producing light and warmth, and maybe even protection from the storm. Now, imagine it gone. Just like that. Disappeared. Imagine this fire as what was supposedly our love. Our hearts. What we lived off.
And now it's no more.
Don't imagine it this time- feel it. Because this is now reality. This is the new world. Yesterday came and went.
Gone. Finished. Over.
Like us. We're broken, over, done for.
Now we're falling, and I don't know how hard I'll hit the ground. Maybe, just like that, I'll disappear. Be gone too.
Just like that.

All I Am

Everything is gone. Broken. Destroyed.
And I just don't know who I am right now.
All I believed in and trusted has been shattered right before my very eyes.
It's over.
Everything is over.
Gone
Been taken away.
I thought that this was forever.
But this is just hell.
And I'm hurting so much, and you're just not there to see it.
You're not there to see this pain and anguish that you've now caused me.
My heart is beating furiously in my chest, tearing and breaking and crying.
Crying for the darkness to dissapear, to stop haunting me.
How do I handle darkness and a broken heart at once?
How do I deal with any of this?
I don't udnerstand you.
Don't understand this.
You've just taken me, picked up my now limp body and thrown it against the cold, hard floor.
You've broken every bone, damaged every nerve, bruised my very soul.
And you don't see it.
You don't know what this is, what I feel, how I'm dealing with this.
I'm not dealing with this.
I'm breaking wityh this.
You've taken everything away, taken it and buried it in a place I've never seen or wanted to be in.
You've taken these fragile pieces of my heart, and pierced them with gleaming pointed swords and daggers.
Taken bullets and shoved them in, deep as they go.
You've crush it with a seldge hammer, cut it up with an axe, trampled and jumped on it.
You've destroyed it.
Every bit of my poor, bleeding, broken heart.

Thats all I am.
I'm angry and sore and more than happy to hurt you, just as much.
Make you suffer.
Make you see what the hell you've done to me.
The pain you've casued.
The heart you've destoryed.
The heart you broke.

Daggers

Don't kill me slowly, by loving me dearly.
Is this a monster, out to get us, hunting after us always?
Or is this a dagger, twisting and turning, piercing these walls of our heart?
The fire is burning, the ice is now melting, you're just killing me with this mess.

Do you enjoy watching  me cry out in pain, my suffering bleeding heart before you?
Don't you understand what this is doing to me, can't you wash the blood off your hands?
Does the thought of me hurting somehow appeal to you, or do you find satisfaction in watching me rigid on the cold cement floor of this reality?
All this is all I fear, and you don't seem to care, to understand, to realise anything about this, about whats happening.
You're tearing me up by stripping me down, making me choke by holding me so close.
My breaths caught in my throat, my veins burn with the twisted love and twisted pain, my eyes can't see clearly anymore.
Do you even see me anymore?
Clearly, not.
Just leave me be, or make it better, don't lock me away like this.
Don't kill me slowly, by loving me dearly, don't do this to my heart anymore.
Is this a monster, out to get us, hunting after us always?
Or is this a dagger, twisting and turting, piercing these walls of our heart?
The fire is burning, the ice is now melting, you're just confusing me with this mess.
Do you love me? Do you even see me? Do you even need me?
Clearly, not.
It it's the opposite then please do tell, please don't leave me in the dark
Or leave me with a candle to help me light my way.
Like a wild fire burning in the night.
This cold, dark, horrid night.

The Day Before It Ended. Like A 6th Sense, I Knew

Just realise that day by day, minute by minute, second by second, you're tearing my heart up, burning the pieces and burying the ashes.
You're ruining my soul by making me love you. You're melting my mind with a white hot rod by making me obsess over you.
You're stripping me down of all the good things that make me who I am, just by being you, by being who you are.
It leaves me breathless when I think of holding you. It used to be satisfactory- now I'm just choking back tears. I'm clutching this bruised, withered heart that we still somehow share, wishing I could make it shine and glow. Wishing I could take back the black and blue bits of it, wishing I could make it beat evenly in our chests.
But as they say, you can't turn back time, so I'll just have to keep on living- living in this confusion and bitter pain that seems to possess my brain every other moment. I'll have to be this way until I can plan, plan some sort of way to save us, and what we once had so long ago. A long ago that was only yesterday, when hearing your voice made me smile, not cringe back in fear.
For I fear you.
I fear you will break me, into so many small uneven pieces. Never again would I be who I am now. I'd be too different- just another lover that walks with their face down through the storms and thunder. Never pausing to find beauty in the rain and bitter cold. I'd just be trying to protect whats left of this broken unrecognisable heart of ours, wondering if I'll ever get it back someday, as my own.
Can't you see what all this is? Can't you see the cogs moving in synchronisation, building up this hurt and fear that we lock away at the back of our minds? Can't you feel the cold wind, blowing around us, pulling us apart?
The frightening thing is that I think I know why I am scared for you. I love you too much to see you wounded, by something that we could have avoided. I also love you too much to warn you of whats to come, because that would make me the one to hurt you, torture you, completely break you. And at the end of the day, it'll be me. And you'll see all along why we couldn't live in harmony as one- because I would have brought all the walls surrounding us crashing down, bringing us to our death.
Will you give me my heart back now?
Before it's too late? Before we rip each other apart from the inside? Because we will.
I just know it.
Like a 6th sense.
I just do.

Reality Is This

I just want to hold you in my arms, and know that I'm safe. I want to be with you always, only parting when we absolutely have to. I want you to be my everything, laid right in front of my very eyes.
But wishes only stay wishes, for you are far away from me now.
All I'm left with is your smile, your laughter like music in my head. I'm left to dwell on memories, wishing more than anything that I can simply reach out and touch you, reach out and turn back time.
Imagine that- turning back time. Making yesterday our present, and not having to worry about tomorrow.
Imagine being able to fly through time and space, back into each others arms? If it were like that, then this reality would be bearable. Tolerable. Understandable.
But because reality is this, this confusing and distorted pain twisted with love and compassion, is tough, and unendurable. It's our absolute worst nightmare, come true to hurt and torture us. I can feel my breathing, see my heart beating, waiting and wishing, that you were here with me.

(17.9.2010)

Wishing

I can feel my breathing,
See my heart beating,
Waiting and wishing,
That you were here with me.

Questions

What have I done?
Have a created a monster?
I feel like a small child who's unleashed the beggining of some chain reaction.
Now that it's started, I don't know how I can get it to stop.
Why can't I be young, where it doesn't matter? Or old where it's mattered but passed?
Isn't there supposed to be a clock somewhere connected to dials and chains, which we can use?
To simply turn back time?
Is love a greedy monster, filled with nothing but hunger and vanity?
Or is it meant to come across as a magnificent flower, with the deadliest row of thorns?

Questions seem to be the only answer. A question to a question, another to the next.

But where does the first come from?

Two Directions

It's always two directions that we're running in. We're always parting. Even a hello is a goodbye. Where did the time go? How did it just fly by so fast? Didn't I just get here? Didn't I just find myself? It feels like I've left it all behind. All of it.
I've left my heart behind.

Why can't we just turn away from the anguish with smiles of hope and fresh tears of happiness, knowing that it'll be soon before we can be together again?

I ask for an answer, and enough strengh to understand it all.

Nothing

I need music to drone out life,
I need silence to drone out noise,
I need noise to drone out thoughts,
I need nothing.

Mine To Keep

Listen to the rain as it clears your head.
Watch the clouds rearange themselves every moment or so,
Bringing forward either realistation and understanding,
Or simply comfort.
The blue skies will peak through,
Along with the stars and the moon.
Wait for the clouds to clear.
And the skies to fade to black,
Leaving us with nothing but twinkling lights of wonder above our hurting heads.
Screaming to be heard, to be helped.
The stars will hear you,
The moon will save you,
The rain will hold you still.
You will breathe this in, take in the truth, and know that I am right.
For if I was the rain, never would I be wrong.
I shall possess your heart,
Penetrate your thoughts,
And dig deep into your soul.
For I shall make you mine.
Your heart.
Your soul.
Mine.
Mine to keep.
Mine to examine.
Mine to fix and numb.
Mine to love.
Like you once loved me.

Song, Music, My Love

I seem to be tempting fate.
Just tempting fate every moment of every day.
All these musings, all these forms of song and understanding, are just making the future more real.
Or making the past seem further away than it really is.
These no name songs are bringing changes to reality.
Shape shifting and discouraging our thoughts and hearts.
Making us believe in something that it's not.
Oh song,
Oh my love.
My savior- my bliss and hero.
The one to pick me up off these cold grounds.
The one to stop these shards of glass from piercing my very soul.
The one to stop this buzzing in my brain.
Oh music,
My lover,
Bringing me out of the darkness, and helping me see.
Helping me observe what true love is.
Oh love,
My drug,
So dangerous, yet I crave it perpetually.
My sick obsession that I must once again obtain.
To numb reality and make me soar through the skies.
Oh bliss,
I shall never possess it.
Nor shall my withered heart,
Or battered soul.

First Rain Feel

The clouds here are the thick with rain just waiting to come pouring down, and theres a sort of magic in the air that everyone seems to feel. Like somehow everythings going to be okay, as soon as the gentle autumn breeze touches our eyelids and lips. It's that first rain feeling, where you just know that nothing, nothing can ruin your happiness.

Are We Broken?

All of a sudden it hurts.
All of a sudden, all I can do is think of darkness and consequences. All I can muster in my mind are the "what if's".
All of a sudden, I'm falling apart, burning up from the inside. Wishing that it'd just go away already. Wishing it would stop hurting.
I want it to be easy- but it never will. It's always going to hurt me too much, it's always going to sting. I'll just go home each day and pour salt on my wounds, my empty, bleeding wounds.
It's like the worlds in which we live in are drifting even further apart, and I can't see you clearly anymore. I just look at memories, and wonder if you're the same as then. There are those moments that everything is okay, and perfect, and absolutely amazing...then there are the moments that all that is dear about you to me, breaks, shatters, falls to the floor.
I can't find the pieces like I once could.
I don't know what to do, and I get lost, and forget the good things- I just hold myself together and try to find my way- but I can't.
Because I am broken
Are we breaking?
Is this the best I can hope for?
How much longer will "I love you" be our parting phrase?
Will it mean just that?
Are we broken?

Love & Happiness

When I'm in his arms, the rest of the world just doesn't matter. All that matters is that I'm safe with him. That I'm home.
I wish I could just appear next to him, even for a fraction of a second, just to remember those tiny details that father time takes away. Like the way he concentrates at the piano, or the way he stares from afar. The lines under his eyes when he laughs, and that kiss he saves at the corner of his mouth.
I miss so much of everything, that I'm scared that too much time will go by, and I'll just forget. Will it hurt? Or will it just numb itself slowly, day by day, hour by hour?
I know that every time I think of him, the love grows. But it's not some make believe fairytale feeling that doesn't exist- it's as real as anything. It lights you on fire and burns your whole being. It's a good kind of burn though, because it gives you strength to move forward and happily wait for another day, another oppurtunity to feel happy and brave. It's what people wait for their whole lives, and when it comes along they're so overwhelmed that the feeling can't be diognosed or recognised. It just sweeps you off your feet and carries you to a great height, a height so great that you might make a wrong turn and tumble down at the speed of light, into a burning hell. Thats the risk you take when it comes to love. You give someone your heart, praying that the other will care for it as they would their own. You pray that at some point you can get it back in one piece, with as little bumps and bruises as possible.
You have expectations about happiness, and how it'll just land on your shoulder, like a gentle butterfly thats come to rest it's wings. Like a quiet wind that rolls around on a lazy summer afternoon.
No one said it was like that though.
Happiness comes with a bang and a shock, after roads and highways of hell, after your worst nightmares. It comes as a surprise, when you least expect it, it comes, as a gift.
If happiness finds you, then it's relatively safe to say that you've done your job in this world. You've been a good enough person, and given your heart up for long enough. You've earned it.
I just wish it were that easy.

-30/06/2010

Love Songs

She listens to love songs,
But doesn't believe in love,
She couldn't be bothered,
To love anyone.
She dreams of knights in shining armor,
To sweep her off her feet,
But that won't ever happens
If she gives up on these dreams.
These dreams.

A Proccess

Everything happens for a reason. That I know.
That I believe in.
Things build themselves up, a proccess really,
They build themselves up, then tear themselves down.
Through nothing but tears we realise what reality is,
For the better, and for the worse.
Nothing makes sense, when it comes to love,
But you know for sure that when you look up at the sky,
The darkness,
You will see stars, no matter what the weather.
The stars will be in your eyes,
They will shine,
And you will just know,
That love has come to save you.
Love is all it takes to save you.
Lie down.
Look up.
Watch the butterflies frolicking in the breeze,
See the sweet poppies, their petals barely touching,
Hear the hummingbirds song in the trees.
Listen to the wind, whispering words of truth,
Shouting,
Screaming,
Screaming at you to love.
Love!
Let there only be love.
You will see, that it will somehow find you.
You might walk, on an empty street,
And it will come to you.
You will realise that it was there all along,
But you had never embraced it.
Embrace it!
Love!
Follow the winds, listen to the words,
Follow your heart and and find your soul,
Don't leave them there in the dark.
For without love, there is only darkness,
Only misery,
Only pain.
Love is light,
And creates warmth,
And is sometimes completely unrecognisable.
Love numbs your whole being,
And sweeps you off your feet.
Oh! you cry,
Where have you gone?
A black hole, accumulating time and space and nothing more?
Somewhere blinding, dangerously beautiful?
Painful almost.
Love is,
Painfully beautiful.
We crave it,
We must have it,
We must use it always,
We must let it define us.
Our souls,
Our hearts,
Are as one!
Love between us two, is as one.

Back To The Start

Not sure who's reading this right now. Could be no one, could be everyone.
Either way, I feel that I should keep this going.
Get my thoughts out there.

Sometimes I feel like I just need to write my emotions down. What I tend to do is take emotion and slice it up into the smallest little pieces, and then from there twist them with words. I wrote this poem at 2 in the morning, where I suddenly had this brain storm and had to get them on paper.

In Your World Of Make Believe

In your world of make believe, there is no start, middle and end,
It's all just one story that runs right through your head.
In your world of make believe, the sun is really the moon,
Reflections light the passages through your heart's darkened rooms.

Black is white in shades of gray, as you know your world ends soon,
You close your eyes, you turn away, away from your so called doom.
The consequences aren't quite there, in this reality that’s sickly sweet,
You kneel to drink your poison as it's laid down by your feet.

For love is a flower with many thorns, that can't be picked or touched,
It's admired from afar, or observed from closer up.
It pulls you down like gravity, sucking up all your weight,
It leaves you feeling airy, as if your souls been taken away.

It is neither a blessing nor a curse, it is what you think it is,
It can be your savior, your killer or your bliss.
Just know that it's taken your heart, oh so far away,
For nothing more than safekeeping, you'll get it back someday.

---

It's about love. If you try read through the metaphors and between the lines, then you'll understand what I mean.

x

The Universal Law Of Desire

I remember reading somewhere that there is a universal law of desire, that works quite simply- whatever you desire and truly wish for, will just drift away from you bit by bit. But, if you simply wait but still focus on what you desire, then slowly, it will be in your reach, one way or the other.

It's almost like having no expectations, because that way when you don't get what you want or expected, you can never be dissapointed.

What if we all thought like that? Then surely the world would be a much happier place? Of course, that will never happen because it's in human nature to desire and have expectations. For your own sake though, from time to time, try not to expect too much of anything or anyone. Sometimes it's better that way.

I took these two photographs in old south Tel Aviv. Great vibe, and tons of exploring in the area.

Photograph of my friend Amit. I liked the different focus points in the picture.

Photograph taken in South Africa. Nothing is ever to far to reach.

-Baby Blue

x

Anyone There?

Hello.

I've decided that I want this blog to be a writing escape. I don't know if anyone is even reading this, but I'm hoping that maybe someone will stumble across my different thoughts and ideas and read a bit. Just to see how the world works through my eyes.

If you know my real name and a bit about me, then good for you. If you don't, it's not the end of the world.
Music is my passion, and it inspires me to write. One of my main inspirations are feelings. Feelings that the human mind can prosses in a matter of nano seconds, but can't understand. Feelings that we all might know and love, and even if not, still recognise.

I'll be here, often, I hope, just to write. If you're out there, then feel free to keep reading. I'm not looking for a support group of any sort or people to follow this out of pity- I'm just looking for more people like me. Just a few more writers sitting in a coffee shop somewhere, trying to proccess every day feelings and ideas.

Is there anybody out there?

Lets hope so.

-Baby Blue.